6 Weeks

Today marks 6 weeks since my life changing surgery. The things I can do now that I couldn't do 6 weeks ago is about a mile long. Everything from the simplest things like just standing in one spot to some that I am very proud to say I have worked very hard at like being able to actually do leg weights! Yeah, it may not seem like much but it is.

It was so scary what I went through and no one will ever understand what it felt like until they experience it. I would NEVER wish this on anyone, not even my worst enemy. To sit and watch yourself slowly go paralyzed day by day is a terrible thing.

The doctor said there is no explanation for what would cause this to happen to me, and I think that is the hardest part. I have no reason to explain this. Nothing. It was what it was and we just had to roll with it. With something this severe the last thing you want is to not have answers.

When the symptoms first started I was all the way out in Lubbock with only him by my side and he took care of me. He was so sweet and understanding...at least that's what I thought. I guess he was really unhappy with me all that time...well that was what he was telling all his friends behind my back. I had no idea he felt that way. He never told me. I thought he was still in love with me... How can you be so unhappy with someone and never say a damn thing. I can't help what happened to me. I was depressed, scared, and embarrassed. The person I was during my suffering wasn't really me. I didn't know what was happening to me. I most certainly didn't think it was something like this...

I don't think that it is fair that something I can't control has changed my ENTIRE LIFE! My boyfriend left me, school didn't want to try and work with me so I had to drop all my classes, I can't physically have a job right now, and now I have a crap ton of medical bills. Oh yeah, not to mention the toll this took on my family. I'm angry! About all of it! I'm having to start my whole life over from square one when I just about had my whole life squared away. My future was planned. Now, I don't know where I will end up. And, as much as I don't understand what God has in store for me now I can only trust him. All and all, I was saved! It could always be worse. But, I am so thankful it wasn't. Things are looking up. I'm trying to put everything back together. And with all the support I have gotten from my amazing friends and family I have got to remember to be thankful. And trust me, thankful, I am.

And it continues...

Hmm. Ponder. Ponder.

Yeah, that's me still thinking about him! Why can't I just move on? Everything reminds me of him. I guess with 4 years that is to be expected. But, gosh, this really sucks. And I bet that he barley even thinks about me...he says it's that easy for him. I wish I could be like that. He wants to be friends and then maybe, just maybe, one day there could be more. I'm not sure what I think about this. I wanna do it cause there is still hope, but I think it makes it that much more difficult to get him out of my head. He said that he would tell me if it ever came to the point that there wasn't hope of use getting back together. He promised. And he says that he misses me and he will always love me.

What worries me so much with him is that fact that he is being so cold with me. He barley wants to talk to me or anything. Yes, time. He wants time. I get that! But it's been a month and we are still at the same point, basically. He said he wanted to be friends but as friends I figure I can text him just to say "Hi", but it's like that is crossing the boundaries. I don't want to cross boundaries and make him more mad...I seem to be really good at that these days.

I'm just so sad and depressed.

I will always love him.

I grew up hearing the quote "The mind may play games but the heart don't lie." I have to say right now my mind is in all sorts of chaos, but I keep on with him cause my heart aches for him. It still wants him!

He keeps saying he is in this terrible place and hates who he has become. I just don't see what he sees. He is a great man. Otherwise why would someone like me even want and love him so much?! He is going to school next semester and putting life together. I just want to be included in that.

Writing this all I can think is when the hell did I become this girl?! I hate this. I used to make fun of those girls. I need to change. I just don't know how. Can't someone just show me what to do and tell me how to feel at all times. Sooner or later I'll get the hang of it. I swear I will. I'm a quick study!

I promise my next post will be better and not just about me being sad about a boy. But until next time I leave you with this.

"Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved."