6 Weeks

Today marks 6 weeks since my life changing surgery. The things I can do now that I couldn't do 6 weeks ago is about a mile long. Everything from the simplest things like just standing in one spot to some that I am very proud to say I have worked very hard at like being able to actually do leg weights! Yeah, it may not seem like much but it is.

It was so scary what I went through and no one will ever understand what it felt like until they experience it. I would NEVER wish this on anyone, not even my worst enemy. To sit and watch yourself slowly go paralyzed day by day is a terrible thing.

The doctor said there is no explanation for what would cause this to happen to me, and I think that is the hardest part. I have no reason to explain this. Nothing. It was what it was and we just had to roll with it. With something this severe the last thing you want is to not have answers.

When the symptoms first started I was all the way out in Lubbock with only him by my side and he took care of me. He was so sweet and understanding...at least that's what I thought. I guess he was really unhappy with me all that time...well that was what he was telling all his friends behind my back. I had no idea he felt that way. He never told me. I thought he was still in love with me... How can you be so unhappy with someone and never say a damn thing. I can't help what happened to me. I was depressed, scared, and embarrassed. The person I was during my suffering wasn't really me. I didn't know what was happening to me. I most certainly didn't think it was something like this...

I don't think that it is fair that something I can't control has changed my ENTIRE LIFE! My boyfriend left me, school didn't want to try and work with me so I had to drop all my classes, I can't physically have a job right now, and now I have a crap ton of medical bills. Oh yeah, not to mention the toll this took on my family. I'm angry! About all of it! I'm having to start my whole life over from square one when I just about had my whole life squared away. My future was planned. Now, I don't know where I will end up. And, as much as I don't understand what God has in store for me now I can only trust him. All and all, I was saved! It could always be worse. But, I am so thankful it wasn't. Things are looking up. I'm trying to put everything back together. And with all the support I have gotten from my amazing friends and family I have got to remember to be thankful. And trust me, thankful, I am.

And it continues...

Hmm. Ponder. Ponder.

Yeah, that's me still thinking about him! Why can't I just move on? Everything reminds me of him. I guess with 4 years that is to be expected. But, gosh, this really sucks. And I bet that he barley even thinks about me...he says it's that easy for him. I wish I could be like that. He wants to be friends and then maybe, just maybe, one day there could be more. I'm not sure what I think about this. I wanna do it cause there is still hope, but I think it makes it that much more difficult to get him out of my head. He said that he would tell me if it ever came to the point that there wasn't hope of use getting back together. He promised. And he says that he misses me and he will always love me.

What worries me so much with him is that fact that he is being so cold with me. He barley wants to talk to me or anything. Yes, time. He wants time. I get that! But it's been a month and we are still at the same point, basically. He said he wanted to be friends but as friends I figure I can text him just to say "Hi", but it's like that is crossing the boundaries. I don't want to cross boundaries and make him more mad...I seem to be really good at that these days.

I'm just so sad and depressed.

I will always love him.

I grew up hearing the quote "The mind may play games but the heart don't lie." I have to say right now my mind is in all sorts of chaos, but I keep on with him cause my heart aches for him. It still wants him!

He keeps saying he is in this terrible place and hates who he has become. I just don't see what he sees. He is a great man. Otherwise why would someone like me even want and love him so much?! He is going to school next semester and putting life together. I just want to be included in that.

Writing this all I can think is when the hell did I become this girl?! I hate this. I used to make fun of those girls. I need to change. I just don't know how. Can't someone just show me what to do and tell me how to feel at all times. Sooner or later I'll get the hang of it. I swear I will. I'm a quick study!

I promise my next post will be better and not just about me being sad about a boy. But until next time I leave you with this.

"Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved."

It's been a while

It's been a while since I have written here. I should become better at updating. I tend to come back to this blog when things really start to become too much for my mind to handle. It's a great outlet that I should take better advantage of...

Oh lord, where do I even begin? I have so much that I want to say but I don't know if I should. I guess I can start with matters closest to my heart. I seem to have found myself a single gal somehow. Ha, single...what does that even mean? Who knows? It's been so long since it's been just me and not me and him. I don't even know if it's really actually over. I think, well hope that he is just confused right now and is just shutting me out. I can't help but to think the things I do about it all, like it's all my fault. He can't even call me and talk to me about it. We make small talk and mostly I ask how he is doing, which doesn't seem to be too well. He says he needs time but how long am I suppose to wait around for him? It's been 3 weeks to a month already. So yes we are broken up, but not because it was what WE wanted I don't think. I'm not really sure what even happened or how it all happened. It was all so fast. We were both angry and yelling. A heat of the moment kind of thing. On the other hand, I also know that he wanted to start getting his life together. Mainly go to school to better himself...but why can't I be apart of that? Be there to support him, like I always have, ya know? He also keeps saying he hates who he has become. Another thing I don't get. I think he is a great guy. His head and heart in the right places. But somehow he got all these thoughts in his head (maybe from whatever his mom keeps telling him) that he is this terrible guy. Which is wrong! All he needs to better himself is to go to school to get that better job he has always wanted. It's like he wants to find himself, but I wasn't aware that he ever lost himself...I hope he finds whatever it is that he is looking for though. I want him to be happy, but most of all I want him to be happy WITH me.

I swallowed my pride and anger and told him I still wanted to be with him, even after everything that happened but he is the one who isn't sure anymore. But I can't help but think was it really one of those "It's not you, it's me" kinda things? Is it even legal to use that after almost 4 years of being together? After living together and everything I had done for him... Ugh, I miss him. What did I do wrong? Seriously, what? I was sweet, supported him when everyone else left him, never told him he couldn't do anything he didn't want to do (not that I could make him do that anyway), I have a great sense of humor, good looking, a bright future, his family liked me, and my family loved him...so what was it? Where did I go wrong? I thought when he said forever it meant forever... I guess just after it all it hurts to think that after all this time he is just done with me...and without an explanation. No closure. I still have all his things. Some I know he is going to want back. I look at his things every day. Sitting there packed up. He also bought me this damn laptop I'm typing on right now...I don't know. I wish we could be together and I told him that. He is the one who has to make that decision now. And it's kind funny cause I have talked to just about all of his closest guy friends and they all tell me "As much as they love him, he is being an idiot right now and that I should move on, I deserve better." I guess they don't agree with what he is doing. I wonder if they even told him that or if they are just telling me that to make me feel better. The problem is that I want him...I still love him. I don't care if everyone keeps saying "move on, you deserve better" I want him!

My heart has never hurt like this...

Lets switch subjects now. Well on another note. I just had major spinal surgery. Ha, awesome change of subject, huh? I had a herniated disc that was pushing on my spinal cord. Yeah, it was as bad as it sounds. I was literally watching myself go paralyzed. We never had any idea cause I never had the back pain to point to that, and I had a lot of crossing symptoms with the knee surgery I had back in August. I thank GOD that we even caught it when we did or else I would be spending the rest of my life in a wheel chair...gah, this makes me cry just typing it and thinking about it. It's been about 5 weeks since the surgery now. I'm making significant progress. I can walk again! Before the surgery I was having to use crutches to get around and was basically dragging my legs around. I had all this tingling and numbness in my feet and legs too. Needless to say since we didn't know what was wrong I just hermit-ed myself in our apartment. I didn't want to go out and do anything. I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed for him too. For all of our friends and his friends to see him with a girl that couldn't walk and was so needy. And I was all the way out in Lubbock with no family. And I know that took it's toll on him too. he was watching me suffer. Having to help me with the littlest things I couldn't do myself. He was so sweet with it all. He was always so sweet to me regardless. You guys get the picture here though, but I'm doing so much better now. Maybe all this is part of the reason he left me and doesn't want me anymore? I'm broken...well was broken.

Yeah, so this has all consumed my life as of late. Since all this medical stuff happened I had to drop all my classes for the semester on top of everything else. Which blows cause I had done so much work already just to be wasted and have to move home and start over.

So my life has been completely flipped upside down. I have all these things going on and all I want is for him to wrap me in his arms and look at me with those baby grey's and say "It will all be ok babygirl." Kinda lame, right? But I can't help it. I am trying to piece everything back together though. Slowly but surly. One foot in front of the other and with the help of loved ones.

Until next time blog...